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Dealing with Losing
May 26, 2003
by William Cobb

So you don't like to lose? If you said something like that to a Zen master, he'd laugh himself off his meditation mat. Here's what he'd say: think about the whole situation, and the fact that we're all in everything together in an ultimately inseparable way, just like the stones on the board. When a game has ended, someone won and someone lost. So there's surely at least one happy element in this: the experience of winning. Now, if you weren't the one who won, the challenge is to figure out how to connect with the happy side of this situation. Focusing on yourself as an isolated individual won't help. From that perspective you're just a loser, like a go stone is just a piece of rock in isolation. Focusing on the fact that the game is over doesn't help either. After all, playing the game was a positive process, it's just the way it ended up that bothers you. If you can gain a whole-situation perspective, you'll be able to reconnect with the positive dimension of this experience. The way to overcome seeing your self as isolated and being frustrated is to focus on the aspects of the whole situation that you're losing sight of. Force yourself to connect with the winner, offer congratulations, smile, think back on all the fascinating twists and turns and interactions of the game, anticipate exciting games yet to be played. The first thing you know, you'll be laughing when you lose, too. Ah, ha, ha, ha!

Past columns by William Cobb are archived at http://www.slateandshell.com/billcobb.asp

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